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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29932233">survivors guilt</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gh0st1nn1t/pseuds/gh0st1nn1t'>gh0st1nn1t</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>tales of the smp centric fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Tales of the SMP - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alexis | Quackity-centric, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt Karl Jacobs, Hurt/Comfort, Karl Jacobs Needs a Hug, Karl Jacobs-centric, Karlnapity, Multi, Polyamory, Protective Alexis | Quackity, Protective Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Sapnap-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Soft Karl Jacobs, Soft Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Survivor Guilt, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Time Travelling Karl Jacobs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:27:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,979</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29932233</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gh0st1nn1t/pseuds/gh0st1nn1t</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>karl's not been doing great.<br/>turns out, seeing your fiances reincarnations die over and over again while being thrown around in time helplessly was something that could be considered 'trauma'.<br/>he didn't think of it that way.</p>
<p>his fiances, however?</p>
<p>[or : karl jacobs struggles with the trauma from time travel and spills the truth to his fiances]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Only Their Characters Not Them IRL</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>tales of the smp centric fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2201325</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>509</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>survivors guilt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>please dont skip the warnings, this fic gets heavy!!!!<br/>-unhealthy relationship with food<br/>-survivors guilt<br/>-depressed behaviour [self destructive behaviour, like not showering and not sleeping]<br/>-insomnia<br/>-mention of vomiting<br/>-very very mild gore [in memories and nightmares]<br/>-panic attack<br/>-nightmares/flashbacks<br/>-general angst</p>
<p>please keep these in mind when reading!!!! it's not as bad as it sounds but i just wanna make sure that everyone knows what theyre getting into!!!</p>
<p>also, to clarify, this is about their cannon relationship in the dream smp universe, absolutely NONE of this was written to be about the real people, and it should not be read that way. if you are reading this to ship them irl, please click off. this was about their characters, not them as people, i will literally punch your kneecaps if you read this to be about the real people</p>
<p>also, fun little bonus stuff in end notes!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>karl wasn’t doing great.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>that much was painstakingly obvious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>his clothes hung just a little too big. it wasn’t the slightly oversized fashion decision that he usually made. this time, his jeans would hang loose against his waist, and karl had to keep them up with a belt so they wouldn’t wrinkle as the waist band slipped down slightly. the sleeves of his shirts had fallen to his knees, hands drowned within the fabric. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it should’ve been easy to tell, really.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>you could tell from the slight sheen of his hair and the thin layer of grease on his skin that showers were rare. it wasn’t that he was being lazy, no, it was that the hot water spraying against him reminded him far to much of cletus’ agonising, ear-splitting screams as he was engulfed in flames. he’d tried turning down the heat once, but the colder temperatures were worse, reminding him of the chill that permanently resided in the lost city of mizu.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it was too much. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it always was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>every time he took a bite of any food, his mind echoed with memories of drew, drew whispering in a sorrowful voice about his passion for cooking, something he’d been forced to give up once he was deemed to live on the streets. karl felt sick every time. he couldn’t keep down a single bite.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he always ended up spitting it back out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>whever he tried to drink water, a mundane task for most, not only would a sickly feeling arise from the lack of food, but also from the memories associated. james, face-down in a pool of his own blood, still sputtering out more of the crimson liquid, body twitching painfully. karl never drank anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it was strange to him, why it had affected him so much. he knew they were reincarnations of the people he held dearest, that much was obvious. along with the ability to travel through the waves of time, he could always tell which person was the reincarnation of who. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he could tell cletus was quackity without any prompting though. their smiles were identical, always showing the front two teeth, cheeks dotted with uneven dimples and eyes crinkled with smile lines. it was the same for james. he knew james was sapnap in a past life, but that much was obvious from the way they held themselves, back straightened, only hunched over minesculely at the top, hands shoved into his pockets. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he knew they were reincarnations, they were the same people, so why was he so upset? they were still with him, the golden bands around his ring finger was a constant reminder, they weren’t dead, they were by his side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>but they once were those people, and they’d been through the same pain, they’d fallen for him in every life, and had it cut short abruptly by death. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl couldn’t help but be on edge, it was inevitable that the pattern would continue into the current life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>but he didn’t want to think of that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he didn’t sleep either.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>every time he shut his eyes in the slightest, his mind was plagued with nightmares, nightmares of things he’d barely escaped from with his life. nightmares of things he was once forced to watch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>there was always cletus who started it out, sat atop the tree ablaze, screams smothered by the roaring of the flames. then came drew, body draped over the top of the staircase, eyes blank and face wiped. james was always next, james laying in a pool of blood in the midst of the room, hand outstretched into karls direction. then it was mason, eyes wide as his head tilted towards karl, gun discarded, face twisted in betrayal. then came jack, hands cupped over a bullet wound, face confused and pained as he crumpled to the ground.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the ending changed every time, always some graphic way for his fiances to die in front of his eyes. the deaths were never the same, seemingly growing more agonising for karl to watch each time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>if karl had still resided in his old home, alone, he would be fine with not sleeping. he could just pull on his armor and go explore, no one to stop him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>but that just wasn’t what happened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he shared a bed with his fiances, and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> slept in the middle, sapnap clinging to one arm, quackity’s head resting against his chest. there was no way for him to squeeze out without waking at least one of them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it was peaceful, at least. the homely, loving feeling that fluttered in his stomach as he watched sapnap tighten his grip on the sleeve of his arm, snoring just a little louder, a smile tugging at his lips. it was the same feeling he got when he watched quackity practically nuzzle his face into the soft fabric of karls shirt, curled around karls side. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he liked it there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <strike>
    <span>even if he forgot who they were from time to time.</span>
  </strike>
</p>
<p>
  <span>but that meant there was nothing to keep his mind occupied, no activity for him to do sporadically at night, nothing to keep his mind awake and doing </span>
  <em>
    <span>something.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>sure, sometimes he could listen to music, but he couldn’t keep it over the third volume button as to not wake sapnap. he could get a book, and he’d tried that one, but it had grown boring quickly and he’d almost dropped it directly onto quackitys head as he drifted off, so he’d quickly discarded that idea.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>movies were out of the question completely. no matter what they were. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he’d tried watching one during a night when it was particularly hard to stay awake. his eyes had slipped shut during the first hour, and he had dreamt of himself in place of the main character, only mere minutes after his eyes had shut, the walls of the movie collapsed around him, revealing him stood in the egg room once again. ranbulter stood behind him. billiam staring him down with a chilling smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he’d jolted awake, panting heavily, and he’d never tried that again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the smp was busy, always one chaotic thing occurring alongside another. sure, it had begun calming down, but it wasn’t enough.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>dream was still jailed, and they had been assured it would be impossible to escape. the egg was dead, vines shrivelled up and disintegrated, courtesy of an extremely pissed off duo consisting of ranboo and tommy, who had later relayed that they’d done it because the whispers of the red egg had made tubbo cry. the infected had been put in a temporary quarantine center until the remains of the egg died within them. if hannah was right, it wouldn’t take more than three weeks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sapnap had been shaky for the entire week, spending a good portion of his days writing letters for hannah to deliver to bad. the demon, though unexpected, was his father, biological? no, no. bad had found the boy crawling in a pit of lava, splashing around and giggling at the sizzle, and the demon knew immediately he had to adopt the baby. sapnap would sit outside the quarantined zone, waiting for bad to write his response and for hannah to deliver it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it was a slow way for conversations to go, but hey, it was the safest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>quackity hadn’t been doing too hot either. he’d been working nonstop on blueprints for las vegas, and he’d been practically dragged home countless times by a worried sam, demanding that quackity gave himself a break. he’d slept through most of his spare days, and sapnap was always the one to check on him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl refused to tell either of them why, but the way quackity slept, hands loosely clutching at the front of his shirt, knees tucked in a way that the curled position was was eerily close to the way jack had fallen to the ground, blood spilling from his mouth. every time karl saw him sleep, his vision flashed with memories that always ended with him locking himself in the bathroom and vomiting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it was the same as when sapnap had spent the entire day passing letters between his father and himself, sleep forgotten. he’d gotten home, and he’d been merely talking with karl in the living room when he’d crumpled, body falling against the carpet in a way that was </span>
  <em>
    <span>far </span>
  </em>
  <span>too close to james’ dead body. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl would never admit it, but the fear that had tugged at his heart had almost sent him spiralling. instead, he’d helped sit up the unconscious sapnap with pillows behind his back and a soaked tissue atop his forehead. he’d woken up mere seconds later, a simple faint never took long to wake from, and sapnap had thanked karl for his help in the form of a kiss on the top of his head and headed upstairs to sleep, a wary karl walking behind him, arms outstretched, ready to catch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he’d been fine, simply the result of having exhausted himself during the day, but karl couldn’t help his mind racing with the image of sapnap as he collapsed, eyes rolling backwards, body falling to the side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it definitely hadn’t helped with the ends of the nightmares, sapnaps imagined deaths growing more realistic.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl hadn’t slept. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and he’d grown used to it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he’d tried once, after he’d gone six days without a single drop of sleep. he’d hugged his fiances closer and squeezed his eyes shut. as exhausted as he was, sleep refused to come, and after an hour of laying with his eyes closed, he’d given up completely. and sleep had given up on him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sure, he started refusing sleep out of fear of what could happen, but it had been years since he’d started time travelling, and it was routine that closing his eyes for over two minutes meant immediate danger. so the need for sleep had trickled away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sometimes he’d collapse, but he was vitamin deficient anyway, so he’d simply lie, claim he’d forgotten his vitamins and had fainted. in reality, he hadn’t slept for over a week and his brain had just shut down, but there were no real reasons to suspect anything more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he was glad quackity was busy and sapnap was oblivious, because he was sure if they’d looked at his appearance, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>looked, they would’ve noticed something was up. they were sweet, both far too loving for their own good, and karl knew if his okay exterior got so much as </span>
  <em>
    <span>scratched</span>
  </em>
  <span> they wouldnt stop investigating until they got to the truth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they noticed his trips that lasted weeks, noticed how the library seemed to expand slightly more with each one, noticed how he was more out-of-it every time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl had been so wrapped up in his own version of events, so deep in his own happiness that his fiances ‘hadnt noticed’ that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>didnt notice <em>them</em> grow concerned. he’d been so relieved near the start that they hadn’t picked up on anything yet that he’d failed to see them eventually connect the dots.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>quackity noticed first. karl had called him ‘q’ for a week consistently, a nickname the man rarely used. coincidentally, it was the same week karl had lost his notebook. sapnap had called q ‘boo’ in front of karl, and suddenly karl did it too, to them both. quackity was the one to find the notebook, tucked behind the sink cabinets. he hadn’t questioned why it was there, nor why karl had suddenly reverted back to his real name and regular nicknames after finding it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>well, that was a lie.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he did question it. a lot, actually. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>just when he noticed karl wasn’t paying attention.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the man had spent more and more time in his library, usually for hours at a time, and quackity knew that the second karl walked out the door, he had to work fast.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he’d brought it up to sapnap, who hadn’t hesitated for a second, and agreed instantly that something was up. sapnap had told quackity of the time he’d fainted in the living room, and of how there were </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely </span>
  </em>
  <span>tear streaks down his cheeks and how his eyes were </span>
  <em>
    <span>undeniably </span>
  </em>
  <span>bloodshot.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they agreed to wait a few days, absolutely nothing over four, just to give karl an opportunity to tell them what was going on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he didn’t.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he just got worse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they both swore to keep a close watch, and they’d noticed how he never crept into the bathroom to shower earlier than his fiances awoke, how his usually warm body was chilled, how his hands seemed to grow more bony. his skin was more yellow than they remembered, green-y blue-y veins peeking through.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he’d grown even more exhausted, movements staggered, a simple smile felt like a chore to do. the second his back hit the bed, his eyes had slipped shut. he could still vaguely feel sapnap shifting under the blankets, not yet asleep, and the grip on his arm from quackity was just a smidge too tight, letting him know he was still awake.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl was too exhausted to realise, almost immediately falling into a sleep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it was the same routine, cleetus burning, drews body, james in the blood, mason getting shot, jack collapsing to the ground. but it was worse. so, so much worse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>none of them had quick deaths, exactly, but it was so much slower in karls mind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he was in the in-between, as usual. sat atop the swing, book in hand, karl was zoned out. cleetus was sat in the tree above him, smiling in the way that was just so exclusive to quackity. he was joking, about what, karl didn’t know, he just recognised the glint in his eyes and the way that he laughed. karl couldnt help but smile, the simple sight of the mans grin was enough to make his heart flutter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the moment was wrecked by the smell of something burning, and within seconds, the entire tree was ablaze, the only sign of the man being his skull-splitting screams in the centre of the flames, and then nothing. silence as the flames died down, leaving a pitch black tree in the midst of the pure white area, and a scorched tan scarf hanging from a branch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl was frozen, a sick feeling arising in his stomach. he jumped to his feet, stumbling backwards and tripping over something. he’d fallen to the side of the something.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>that something was drew’s head beside james body, bloodied and still. the crimson liquid was smeared across his face from his place face-down in the pool. his unbuttoned shirt was torn up, slashed and streaked with red. drew’s face was blank, the horrifically bright blood mixing in with james’.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it flickered, and suddenly james was gone, replaced by mason, cowboy hat discarded to the side, staring up at the frozen man with a betrayed expression. his eyebrows were crinkled in confusion, eyes glossy with tears. his hands were limp at his sides, blood pouring from the gunshot wound in his chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“karl…?” his voice was crackly and hoarse, but still wet with blood. “i thought-” he cut himself off with a violent splutter of blood, some of which got onto karl. he tilted his head down towards the gun that had appeared in karls hands,  “i thought you loved me?” he whispered in a voice so sorrowful that it almost snapped karl out of his trance.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>almost.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>mason was gone quickly, and nothing was left. but karl knew better, he knew this wasn’t the end.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he stumbled to his feet, still in shock, the gun gone. he turned around, only to be faced with jack. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the second karls eyes fell onto him, the whipping sound of a gunshot echoed through the air, and jack crumpled, hands cupped over a wound. he fell to the ground by karls feet, grasping at the cuffs of the mans jeans before going still.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl couldn’t move. he was frozen in place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>then it seemed like the world moved without him, and the floor opened up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>there was nothing but void.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and karl fell.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he screamed and lashed out, reaching out to grasp anything to stop himself. instead, he felt the hands of his fiances reincarnations grabbing at him, pulling him in opposite directions. there were hundreds of copies of each as they all reached at him, screams overlapping.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the cries grew louder, and karl hated how he recognised each hand easily. the worn down, calloused hands were so obviously cleetus. the stubby, scarred, ash-covered ones were drew. the soft, pale, bony ones were james. the tanned, rough hands were masons. the gaunt ones were jack.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>there were </span>
  <em>
    <span>so so many, </span>
  </em>
  <span>a hundred, minimum, and each one was grabbing at karl, resembling the feeling of being torn apart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he couldn’t stop screaming, thrashing around and desperately evading their grip as he continued to fall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sapnap had fallen asleep last. he was more observant than given credit for, and he’d noticed how karl had began sleeping first, something he’d never once seen throughout his entire time in knowing him. still, he’d curled his fingers in the pale yellow fabric of karls shirt, letting his eyes slip shut.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sleep didn’t last long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he’d noticed the arm he clung to had tensed, and, being a terrifyingly light sleeper, he’d immediately awoken. he let go carefully, watching in concern for any other movement. surprisingly, it wasn’t his arm that moved first, but his mouth, mumbling out words that sound vaguely like blurred together begging. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sapnap was about to reach over and wake quackity, but it seemed that job was done for him as karl began thrashing around, slamming his fists against the bedsheets, tossing and turning so violently that sapnap would have to check if he’d pulled a muscle. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>quackity had woken up quickly after karls lashing out began, immediately letting go of his torso and shuffling back, glancing to sapnap with worried eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the lack of his fiances didnt do anything to stop karl, whos screams had grown louder and louder by the second, his fit growing more violent. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sapnap had caught a fist that flew towards him, and, carefully, moved to sit at karls side, shaking his shoulder gently. quackity caught on, mirroring the man on karls other side, tapping his arm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“karl, c’mon, wake up,” sapnap whispered, voice softer than he’d ever admit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl practically shot up, wrenching himself out of their grip and curling in on himself against the headboard of their bed, head buried atop his knees. sapnaps hand remained on his shoulder. “mason- james- no, no, no, no, please- james i’m sorry-” he mumbled, leaning away from the touch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sapnap furrowed his brow at the name, but still let go. quackity frowned, unsure of whether or not he should remove his hand that was laid gently atop karls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“jack- cleetus- please- drew-” karl choked out in his direction, tugging himself away from the grip.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>quackity quickly lowered his hand, retracting it and gesturing for sapnap to shuffle back a little, copying the movement himself, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>karlos? </span>
  </em>
  <span>can we touch you?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>he wasted no time in shaking his head so quickly a migraine had begun formatting. after what felt like hours of endless falling while being smothered in the grips of people long dead, he doubted any sort of touch would help. neither of them objected, both moving backwards to give him more space. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“okay, that’s okay, karl, just breathe,</span>
  <em>
    <span> please,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” sapnap spoke carefully, the heavy breathing that came from the man sounding as if he was about to make his lungs collapse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“can’t-” karl choked out, hand grasping at his chest, wheezing and sobbing so violently he grew lightheaded. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>quackity moved next, “yes, you can, i believe in you, karl, please,” he paused, seeing the rapid rise and fall of karls chest slow, “see? you got it, keep going, yeah?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“karl, can i hold your hand?” sapnap asked carefully, making sure he was still distanced, “i’ll still stay over here, but can i hold your hand?” karl nodded, and sapnap gently grabbed his hand, placing the palm against his chest. “copy my breathing, okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he nodded again, outstretching his other hand to quackity, who intertwined their fingers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it felt like longer than it was, but soon, karls breathing was back under control, one hand on sapnaps chest, the other held tightly in quackitys. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“you guys can hug me now,” karl mumbled, recognising the looks in their eyes. in seconds, he was squashed in a soft hug, pulled tightly in between the two men. he let his eyes slip shut, laying limply in their grip.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the hug was comforting, sapnap hugging him from the side, one arm wrapped around karls waist, the other tightly gripping one of his hands. quackity was sat more in front, pulling karl close, letting the man rest his head upon his shoulder, rubbing his back with one hand and linking their fingers with the other.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl could practically feel the questions radiating off of them, and he couldn’t blame them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i know you aren’t up for talking right now, but you’ve gotta tell us what that was about, okay?” sapnap mumbled, rubbing circles onto karls palm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the man nodded against quackitys neck, staying quiet yet tightening his grip on sapnaps hand to show he had agreed. “take your time, karl, we’ll wait for you to be ready,” quackity continued, smiling sadly down at his fiances. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i’ll- i’ll explain now,” karl interrupted, scrubbing at his cheeks with just enough force to tint them red. “you guys deserve to know,” he forced the wobble out of his voice, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and standing, “follow me. it’d be easier to show you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it was quiet as he led the pair of them out of their bedroom, down the stairs, and outside, across paths, and then into the hidden door for the library. except, it wasn’t the library at all, because the front shelves were decoys, and he’d simply pushed them out of the way.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the floor was scattered with scribbled papers, open books and photos. karl passed the two men who were frozen in awe to approach the shining bookshelf, glistening and glimmering in purples and blues. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the shelf was stacked with shimmering books, each one carefully hand-written by none other than karl himself. there had to be at least a hundred, maybe one or two more. each was an in-depth description of one adventure, one time-travel tale he’d hastily scrawled into a notebook and then transferred neatly into a real, leather-bound journal and shoved upon the shelves with the others. all the other shelves were stacked with papers, of said notes and pens and ink quills and mini notebooks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>there was...a lot.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>a corkboard hung upon the wall behind his desk, littered with pinned polaroids, sticky notes and scraps of papers he couldn’t afford to lose. his desk wasn’t much better, the scattered sheets of parchments leaving the mahogany wood hidden.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“what...what is this?” quackity breathed, still hesitant to walk in, apprehensive as he approached the glimmering shelf, drawing the first book that caught his eye. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>carved into the spine of the book was ‘entry 97’ in a cursive scroll, and on the front cover was simple gold ink reading ‘the masquerade’. he began flicking through it, eyebrows furrowing a little more as he scanned each page.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sapnap had approached the corkboard, running his fingers along the red string that banded the photos together. some of them looked more recent, others at least centuries old.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“this is, uh, this is going to sound insane, but i need you guys to trust me, ‘kay?” karl asked, voice shaky as he stood beside the doorway, picking at his nails. his eyes were downcast, so his fiances made no efforts to meet his gaze. “i...god, this sounds crazy,” he mumbled nervously, “i can travel through time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the silence suffocated him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sapnap had frozen in place while quackity’s body had whipped around in an instant.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“you </span>
  <em>
    <span>what?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl tore his eyes away from quackity’s, “i know, i know, it sounds insane, it really, really does, but i swear-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“karl, this isn’t just insane, it’s impossible. i </span>
  <em>
    <span>know </span>
  </em>
  <span>you haven’t been sleeping and i </span>
  <em>
    <span>know </span>
  </em>
  <span>you haven’t been eating but god, i didn’t think it had gotten this bad. hallucinations? i’m sorry, i’m so, so sorry, i should’ve noticed sooner, i-” sapnap was staring at him with an expression that bordered on pity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“no! it’s not impossible, look, i have- i have proof,” karl approached him, nudging him to the side and tugging off a photo that was, at a minimum, three hundred years old. in it was him and a young child, the two of them sat in a flower field and weaving the stems of the flowers into a straw hat. the photo was devoid of colour, but the kid’s grin practically lit up the room. karl silently apologised to robin as he tugged the pin out and held the photo in sapnaps gaze. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>quackity had walked closer during their interaction, stood behind sapnap, one hand placed upon his shoulder. “how?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i don’t know. it just happens,” karl shrugged. his fiances, as unconvinced as they looked, seemed to </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to believe him. “i just… i can tell a few hours before it happens, but i don’t know where, when or how long i’m going for. it just happens. like, it’s not like it is in the movies, there’s no cool swirling tunnels or anything, it just feels like missing a step on the stairs and then being in a whole other place where time is all screwy and-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>quackity had frowned, stepping around a confused, babbling sapnap to gently place a hand on karls cheek, running his thumb along his cheekbones, “we want to believe you, really, but...karl, this sounds insane.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl sighed in response, leaning into the touch, “i know, i know, but… you guys know i can’t lie for my life, i’m bad at making things up and… look! look at all those books i’ve written about the places i’ve been! and- and- and i see everyones reincarnations there every time and-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“is that why you called us different names earlier?” sapnap interrupted, voice soft as he stood to karls side, wrapping an arm around his waist.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“mhm. they were all your reincarnations, everyone i meet on those trips are all reincarnations of people we know,” karl confessed. “don’t get to know them much though. time travel never usually lets witnesses get left behind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl turned, facing the corkboard and wrenching himself out of their grip, running a finger along the red string that connected the photos. “i try and save them, really, i do, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>every single time</span>
  </em>
  <span> it’s always the same thing. and the only way i can leave the timeline is dying myself and waking up in this stupid </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking library!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sapnap couldn’t help but wince at the sudden burst of anger, reaching out to lock his and quackitys hands together. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>karl panted, breathing ragged and angry as he stared at the pictures before him. hundreds upon hundreds of people who he’d failed. people who died </span>
  <em>
    <span>because of him.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>quackity placed a careful hand on his shoulder, “karl, can you turn around?” he asked hesitantly, seeing the man turn to face with watery red eyes and hot tears spiling down his cheeks, “we believe you, cari</span>
  <span>ño, don’t get yourself all worked up, okay? breathe, c’mon, it’s okay,” he pulled karl in for a hug, glancing back at sapnap with an expression that read ‘help!’.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he lowered them to the ground carefully, leaning against the back wall with karl clutching at him, head buried into the crook of his neck. sapnap sat by quackitys side, one had intertwined with his, the other rubbing karls back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“karl, c’mon baby, you know we’ll always believe you, it’s okay, c’mon,” he encouraged quietly, hearing karls sobs eventually subside into nothing but shaky breathing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it was difficult, adjusting to not having to lie to his fiances.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it was nice, though, karl couldn’t deny that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sleeping was still rough, kept awake for hours through nightmares, but they’d stay awake by his side, sometimes just laying in a pile of blankets on the floor, talking until they all passed out together. they’d set up a separate bed in a spare room, for the nights when their touch would be enough to send him spiralling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>other nights, being alone had practically killed him, and those nights, they’d huddle closer to him and let him hug them as tight as needed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>eating was harder, he was constantly flooded by guilt at the idea that drew had gone all those years starving alone. quackity usually helped with that after finding out the reason for the food problems, always saying, “you say i’m just reincarnated drew, right? then i want you to eat, it’s not your fault he- </span>
  <em>
    <span>i</span>
  </em>
  <span> had problems, eat, please?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it helped, sometimes, but not everything could be fixed that fast. sometimes, all karl could stomach was a few gulps of water, maybe a piece of bread and nothing more. but his fiances never got mad, always promising that, as long as he tried, they’d never be angry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they found out eventually, about who they’d been reincarnated from, how karl knew them and the demise they inevitably met in front of karls eyes. he’d shown them photos, photos of mason and jack sat in a bar together and laughing, photos learia had taken of james, drew and karl failing to perform ballroom dancing, photos of cleetus and karl, splashing each other in the water.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he’d talked about their reincarnations often, always met with soft smiles and them asking him to tell them more. he slipped up with names often, but he was always corrected lightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and as for his memory?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he had his fiances there to remind him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it was okay.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is just a couple things i wanted to add!!</p>
<p>-the people karl met in the past are all reincarnations of the people who played them, so sapnap was james in a past life, quackity was jack, etc.</p>
<p>-karls library shelf has exactly 104 books on the time travel shelf because that's the exact amount of times he's travelled, he has an individual book about each journey</p>
<p>-karl has a camera around his neck nearly at all times so all the pictures he has are because he brings it on the journeys</p></blockquote></div></div>
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